1. |
Scrambling
03:00
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Tell me again about what’s left to do
List after list, oh you keep ‘em on loop
Tell me again about how I’m behind
Scrambling, never on top of my mind
Fast-forward, rewind
See what we might find
I have plenty of proof
Basement floor to the roof
I’ll fill this house with moments
I have plenty to do
Like talking to you
Or talking to me, but even that’s getting
A little bit harder
I’ll try to be smarter
Almost stepped on a garter
And it forced me to breathe
Why did that feel new?
Why did that feel like
Something I’d never thought to-
Why did that feel new?
Why did that feel like
Something I’d never thought to do
I’m getting tired
I’m feeling stuck
I’m uninspired
Have I run out of my luck?
You hate everything I write
You keep me up too late at night
You watch me close, please let me be
Who is you and who is me?
You never let me just relax
Always something that attacks
You replay everything I do
Who is me and who is you?
I can’t stand you
I can handle you
Can’t do it
Don’t want to sort through it
I am tired
Of the way I’m wired
Love you? I will learn to do it
Tell me again about what’s left to do
List after list, oh you keep ‘em on loop
Tell me again about how I’m behind
Scrambling, never on top of my
Mind, mind
Mind, mind
Mind, mind
Never on top of my, never on top of my mind
Never on top of my, never on top of my mind
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2. |
When to Run
03:37
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The back porch is softer than my bed
'Cause it hasn’t seen the times I’ve cried
I keep ‘em all there filed away in my head
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
On bad days it’s like a poison, it destroys and
Stains every place I’ve ever called my home
And I just wanna run away
I wanna run toward something new
I wanna run away
I wanna run, I wanna run, I wanna run
But how do I know when I’m done?
How do I know, how do I know
How do I know when to run
Wherever I go, I always know
All that will follow, but give me a chance
To simply set today apart from tomorrow
Will I ever stop stopping to wonder
If I savor lightning far too quick
Burn through what’s bright
Before I’ve even heard the thunder
And I just wanna run away
I wanna run toward something new
I wanna run away
I wanna run, I wanna run, I wanna run
But how do I know when I’m done
How do I know
How do I know, how do I know when to run
I bought a cake, it’s no one’s birthday
And now my mouth is blue
I feel the sugar coursing through
I didn’t know what else to do
But I’ll trade coffee for water
It’ll last about a week
I’ll rinse two new tattoos
For fifteen minutes at the kitchen sink
And I will find a way
To make it back to where I’ve been before
And I will try today
To open 'stead of closing every door
And I will find a way
To tell myself that I’ve been there before
And I will try today
To open 'stead of closing every door
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3. |
Tryouts
03:13
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Drawn to the flame like a moth
Even when it grew cold, even when I had doubts
I thought we were cut from the same cloth
I thought we were teammates, turns out I never even made it past tryouts
I always suspect that I won’t make the cut
Broke the habit of running far from the fear
I kept all the evidence on loop in my head
That I’d earned a spot, but I should’ve been preppin’ instead
I tried to make it easy for you to play a part
I tried to make it difficult for you to break my heart
You made it look so easy, made it look so easy, was it easy for you?
You made it look so easy, made it look so easy, was it easy for you?
I warned you in June
I warned you in June
If I could ask myself at thirteen
She would remind me
This is why you don’t try
This will happen every time
Every nice thing is a lie
Only say hello if you’re prepared to say goodbye
I tried to make it easy to let me play a part
(Give me a sign that at some point you cared about me)
(In my dreams I accept your apology)
I tried to make it difficult for you to break my heart
(Felt understood but now I feel disposable)
(Thought somethin clicked but I guess it’s supposable)
But I made it so
Easy, it was so easy, it was so easy, it was
So easy, it was so easy, it was so easy
(Give me a sign that at some point you cared about me)
(In my dreams I accept your apology)
It was so easy, it was so easy, it was so
Easy, it was so easy, it was so easy, it was
(Felt understood but now I feel disposable)
(Thought somethin clicked but I guess it’s supposable)
Whoa it was so easy
Whoa it was so easy
Whoa you could almost do it by mistake
I wish I hadn’t made myself so easy to break
Why’d I make it so
Easy, it was so easy, it was so easy, it was
(Give me a sign that at some point you cared about me)
(In my dreams I accept your apology)
So easy, it was so easy, it was so easy
(Felt understood but now I feel disposable)
(Thought somethin clicked but I guess it’s supposable)
It was so easy, it was so easy, it was so
(Give me a sign that at some point you cared about me)
(In my dreams I accept your apology)
Easy, it was so easy, it was so easy, it was
(Felt understood but now I feel disposable)
(Thought somethin clicked but I guess it’s supposable)
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4. |
Greedy
03:06
|
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|
Is it greedy, to seek the sun’s rays
To ask for what I know will help me grow
Is it needy, to ask for water?
To let it seep into my roots below the ground
Where I will be too one day
I will be too
Where I will be too one day
Did I earn my life?
I don’t think so
So how do I make it up to the sun?
Did I earn my life?
I don’t think so.
So how do I make sure that taking isn’t all I’ve done?
Ooh ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
I can’t escape the warmth I’ve found but still I try
I fight every inch that I gain, I don’t know why
No choice but to accept the warmth from up above
No choice but to accept the compounding agent of love
Did I earn my life?
I don’t think so.
So how do I make it up to the sun?
Did I earn my life?
I don’t think so.
So how do I make sure that taking isn’t all I’ve done?
Ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh ooh
Am I a flower or a weed? I need to know
Was I planted like a seed? It takes greed to grow
But it doesn’t take greed to shrivel
To be stepped on when you’re not adequately civil
Whatever gave me life is gonna take it
So I guess it’s all even in the end
And I suppose my life is what I make it
Is the universe even really my friend?
Will I earn my death?
I don’t think so
Maybe I am not indebted to the sun.
Will I earn my death?
I don’t think so.
So how do I make sure that giving isn’t all I’ve done?
Ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh
Until I’m plucked from the ground I guess I’ll be greedy
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5. |
Re-Quieted
03:06
|
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|
Conflicting goals and desires
I wanna start fires, but I only feel ice
Will it only be me who pays a price
If you decide that you regret being nice?
Please don’t let me end each conversation
With "I’d better let you go" (I’d better let you go)
Was I wrong to work so hard to brush it off
Each time you told me no? (You told me no, you told me)
I work to maintain, I minimize pain, I wanna be easy to choose
It wasn’t a game, but somehow I trusted you not to let me lose
'Cause I told you “please tell me if I ever push"
You promised, you said you didn’t want me to shush
You’ve clearly forgotten if you thought I’d take a hint
All the best and worst parts of my year carry your fingerprints
Conflicting goals and desires
I wanna start fires, but I only feel ice
Will it only be me who pays a price
If you decide that you regret being nice?
When you left me there to tend a tiny thing we planted side by side
I wished my thumb was green, it never was, and you knew that it was not
So I wish you’d told me sooner that you wanted me to let it die
Instead of slinking out of earshot, and thinking out of earshot
I overindulge, I overreact, I overthink everything, over-redact
I wish you’d left sooner, I wish you’d come back, will it never be safe, to trust or unpack?
When do I try again? How long do I wait?
What do I do with the goddamn garden gate?
When do I try again? How long do I wait?
What do I do with the goddamn garden gate?
When do I try again? How long do I wait?
What do I do with the goddamn garden gate?
When do I try again? How long do I wait?
If you come back will it be too late?
Will it ever be requited? Will it ever be my turn?
Everything knowing you quieted suddenly tries to return
(I know that I’m not hard to choose)
Will it ever be re-quieted? What the hell am I supposed to learn?
Everything knowing you quieted, suddenly tries to return
(And I won’t be easy to lose)
There’s nothing more I can do, to make myself easy to choose
But know I can’t help but refuse, to make myself easy to lose
So I will leave you be
But I won’t close the door behind me
|
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6. |
Other Things
04:00
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|
I reach a new point of burnout each day
nowhere to put things that I wish to say
Ears will grow tired but I’m tired too
Can nothing, can no one pull me from the blue
Asking for help is supposed to be right
But I’m used to feeling alone in the fight
And sometimes I think that I only feel worse
When I lean, I lean too hard maybe that is my curse
The only ones I trust
Have other things they must
Attend to
And all the other fish
Their wills I never wish
To bend to
Well I seek professionals, I knock at their door
They tell me to do things that just lead to more
Of all of the things that I do far too much
Being aware of my breath, thinking feeling and such
I’m getting tired of all the same stuff
When will my brain agree I’ve had enough?
Feels like I’ve learned all my lessons, made all my confessions
Put all that I have into each of my sessions
The only ones I trust
Have other things they must
Attend to
And all the other fish
Their wills I never wish
To bend to
As I get lower, stakes get higher
I’m burnt out but still on fire
I feel guilty every time I start to drown
Time slows down, the world remains the same
I only have myself to blame
And I feel guilty when I bring you down
The only ones I trust
Have other things they must
Attend to
And all the other fish
Their wills I never wish
To bend to
The only ones I trust
Have other things they must
Attend to
(the only ones i trust have other things to do)
And all the other fish
Their wills I never wish
To bend to
|
||||
7. |
Like a Leech
04:53
|
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|
I gave a little speech
About how I don’t ever wanna be a leech
And I asked if you think we’re like whales and barnacles
You said “yes I would say so"
So I will beseech you to stay
(What if there comes a day, when you just walk away?)
You can pick the day and what we say and what we play
I know this isn’t equal
But maybe there’s a sequel
Where in the story we will grow and I will learn to trust
(what if there comes a day, when you just walk away?)
That you mean it when you say you wanna be here, surely you must
Maybe wanting to give is enough of a gift
But is there a weight I can lift?
Maybe perfectly balanced mutualism is a myth
But there’s gotta be something I can help with
My therapist says I’m undervaluing myself yet again
(but she doesn’t even know me and she doesn’t know you)
I know she’s probably right, it doesn’t keep it from keeping me up at night
(she doesn’t know you, she doesn’t know, she doesn’t know)
How you effortlessly cracked the code
You solved the maze, unlocked the door
But when you realized where you were
You didn’t wanna be there anymore
Maybe wanting to give is enough of a gift
But is there a weight I can lift?
Maybe perfectly balanced mutualism is a myth
But there’s gotta be something I can help with
Like a leech, I can’t shake the thought
Of wanting to be everything I’m terrified I’m not
How do oxpeckers know that the rhinos don’t want them to go?
And are they scared to know
On your way in, you blazed a trail that began to make the journey easier, times three or four
On your way out, you knocked over all the walls that aren’t enough
To keep me safe anymore (keep me safe anymore)
Now I’m wondering, will the next one find a way (will the next one)
To the haven that you left behind (will there be a next one?)
Can I guide them over the rubble, or will there be no path to find?
Maybe wanting to give is enough of a gift
But is there a weight I can lift?
Maybe perfectly balanced mutualism is a myth
But there’s gotta be something I can help with
Maybe wanting to give is enough of a gift (Like a leech, I can’t shake the thought)
But is there a weight I can lift? (Of wanting to be everything I’m terrified I’m not)
Maybe perfectly balanced mutualism is a myth (How do oxpeckers know that the rhinos don’t want them to go?)
But there’s gotta be something I can help with (And are they scared to know)
Maybe wanting to give is enough of a gift (Like a leech, I can’t shake the thought)
(Something that you want from me, something that you want from me)
But is there a weight I can lift? (Of wanting to be everything I’m terrified I’m not)
(Isn’t there anything? Isn’t there anything?)
Maybe perfectly balanced mutualism is a myth (How do oxpeckers know that the rhinos don’t want them to go?)
But there’s gotta be something I can help with (And are they scared to know)
(Isn’t there anything?)
Maybe wanting to give is enough of a gift (Like a leech, I can’t shake the thought)
(Isn’t there anything? Isn’t there anything?) (And are they, and are they)
But is there a weight I can lift? (Of wanting to be everything I’m terrified I’m not)
(And are they scared to know)
Maybe perfectly balanced mutualism is a myth (How do oxpeckers know that the rhinos don’t want them to go?)
(Isn’t there anything? Isn’t there anything?) (And are they, and are they)
But there’s gotta be something I can help with (And are they scared to know)
Maybe wanting to give is enough of a gift (Like a leech, I can’t shake the thought)
(Isn’t there anything? Isn’t there anything?) (And are they, and are they)
But is there a weight I can lift? (Of wanting to be everything I’m terrified I’m not)
(And are they scared to know)
Maybe perfectly balanced mutualism is a myth (How do oxpeckers know that the rhinos don’t want them to go?)
(Isn’t there anything? Isn’t there anything?) (And are they, and are they)
But there’s gotta be something I can help with (And are they scared to know)
Maybe wanting to give was enough of a gift
But why did I wanna find a way to give you a gift
When the weight that you lifted wasn’t one you tried to lift
And the balance comes with effort, not with how you make me feel
(How you make me, how you make me, how you make me feel)
So when you stopped trying, it stopped being real
Like a leech, I need blood, but I don’t suck (like a leech, I need blood)
(Is this real?)
I only asked you for a drop, and you didn’t give a fuck (you didn’t give a fuck)
(Is this real?)
And the oxpeckers know they can stay (the oxpeckers know they can stay)
(Is this real? Is it real?)
Because they’re never told to go (I can’t stay)
So at least now I know (so at least now I know)
(I started writing)
I started writing this song back when I thought I was wrong
(Why’d you tell me I was wrong?)
Only in bad dreams, did I see this coming
(Bad dreams, bad dreams, bad dreams)
Only in bad dreams (bad dreams)
So I’ll harvest all the lessons
But God, I could’ve sworn that I was wrong
|
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8. |
Where I Called Home
04:23
|
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|
I’ll say goodbye to the gardens
And I’ll say goodbye to the streets
I’ll say goodbye to the shriek of the green line
And I’ll say goodbye to the sweets
I’ll say goodbye to 5 pm macchiatos
With no one to tell me it’ll mess with my sleep
I’ll say goodbye to the pieces I wish I could keep
I don’t matter to this city
But she matters to me
I still think these lights are pretty
But I've got somewhere else to be
Goodbye to Boston
I’m no longer lost in
The moments that made me feel new
The world moves on
Far faster than I seem to do
Goodbye to Boston
I’m no longer lost in
The crowds where I felt less alone
For two years, this was the place I called home
From where I called home
I’ll say goodbye to the memories I do have
And to the ones that I don’t
I kinda wish I could still get lost here
But I don’t think I can so I won’t
I’ll say goodbye to the ghost of a friendship
And the way that it made me feel free
I’ll say goodbye to the view from February 23
I don’t matter to this city
But she matters to me
I still think the lights are pretty
But I've got someone else to be
Goodbye to Boston
I’m no longer lost in
The moments that made me feel new
The world moves on
Far faster than I seem to do
Goodbye to Boston
I’m no longer lost in
The crowds where I felt less alone
For two years, this was the place I called home
From where I called home
Where I called home
Where I called home
|
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9. |
Stuck
03:46
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|
All the colors under the sun
Mix together until they are one
And the brightness is lost
The harder they merge, the higher the cost
Possibilities blocked by a frozen mind
The perfect next step is too hard to find
Always needed a reason to get out of bed
Maybe now it’s just habit, this battle in my head
I’m here again it seems
I fear I’m living in a dream
And I’m stuck (and I’m stuck, and I’m stuck)
And I’m stuck (and I’m stuck, and I’m stuck)
And I’m stuck, and I’m stuck (stuck)
In a puddle with the colors all muddled
Upside down, blue green red brown
In a dream, in a dull color scheme
Lights fade, the game isn’t played
The day is delayed
And I presume
the boredom will consume
Me ‘til there’s nothing left
‘til there’s nothing left, ‘til there’s nothing left
You’ll ask is something wrong?
And I’ll say, “this day just feels extra long”
I’m here again it seems
I fear I’m living in a dream
And I’m stuck (and I’m stuck, and I’m stuck)
And I’m stuck (and I’m stuck, and I’m stuck)
And I’m stuck, and I’m stuck (stuck)
I’m here again it seems
I fear I’m living in a dream
And I’m stuck (and I’m stuck, and I’m stuck)
And I’m stuck (and I’m stuck, and I’m stuck)
And I’m stuck, and I’m stuck (stuck)
It’s just a cloud, and it’s smaller than me
I can be just as loud
And if I can’t pull the colors back out
I’ll take a step back and go around
Lying on the floor, I swear I’m trying, I’m not lying
Only had a little energy left, didn’t wanna lose it
But I spent it on convincing me to use it
Lying on the floor, I swear I’m trying, I’m not lying
(Only had a little energy left, didn’t wanna lose it
But I spent it on convincing me to use it)
Lying on the floor, I swear I’m trying, I’m not lying
(Only had a little energy left, didn’t wanna lose it
But I spent it on convincing me to use it)
|
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10. |
Window Screen
02:29
|
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|
Read about attachment styles all afternoon
Now I’m looking at the moon from my bed
She’s a blurry little brightness, in a deep dark sky
Who neglects to swallow her up, but why?
Well maybe the sky’s been fed
Everything past arm’s length
Behind crossed lines of a window screen
That maybe I’ll kick loose one night
For a better view
Is quiet and tinted blue
With time and patience, I wonder if it’s skin that dulls a razor?
Or is it the hair, the air, the water?
Maybe I will move the question down my arms and into fingertips
And see if I can find
What’s on my mind
Instead I think about the good, the bad, the timing of it all
For the hundredth time, I hit a wall
Everything in my mind
Behind eyes that refuse to close
Is spinning and I’m far too tired
For the pace required
To make sense of me and you
The questions make my heart unwind
How not to cross lines that’re undefined
How to know when to monitor my clutch
Or withdraw my touch
When wanting anything feels like asking too much
Everybody tells me I’m gonna be just fine
Why do they get to know?
Every thing is fuzzy, every line
They say everybody sees the same moon
Maybe that’ll make more sense soon
|
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11. |
For the Rats
03:09
|
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|
Pretty simple
Behaviors make sense, questions have answers
And you can find them online
What do I look like through the pupils in your beady little eyes?
Pretty easy
To love you and care for you, look at your sweet tiny hands
What's a few scratches?
Oh I don't mind
What's going on in your head?
Eyes are watching, wheels are turning
What's going on in your head?
Trust is hard to build, we're learning
We'll take it step by step
First my hand and then my shoulder
No reason to rush, my friends
Every day a little bolder
Crawl in my clothes, I hope it's warm
You can hide from any storm
You are small, but I hope you know you matter
Most reliable friends of the year
You make what you desire clear
And I'm in love with the way you pitter patter
Pretty simple
The pros and the cons are easy to sort through
I won't be mad if you wake me up at dawn
I want the chance to watch you yawn
Pretty easy
And I will forgive the blood that you drew
In the first few months
'Cause I know I probably would've done it too
What's going on in your head?
Eyes are watching, wheels are turning
What's going on in your head?
Trust is hard to build, we're learning
We'll take it step by step,
First my hand and then my shoulder
No reason to rush, my friends
Every day a little bolder
Lonely as hell, does that ring a bell
From the times I've talked out loud
I wonder if you'd pick me out from a crowd
Do you even know how much I'll miss you?
World Wide Web said probably not a good idea to kiss you
But let's make an exception for today
The last time we get to play
I wish I could explain how and why it's your last day
I hope it's been okay
You're gonna love your next home
I hear there's lots of love and more room to roam
Crawl in my clothes, I hope it's warm
You can hide from any storm
You are small, but I hope you know you matter
Most reliable friends of the year
You make what you desire clear
And I'm in love with the way you pitter patter
|
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12. |
Apples to Oranges
03:02
|
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|
I grieve the connotations of your name
I remember when I realized that they’ll never be the same
I understand the difference in the way we frame events
That led to pain that I have yet to tame
But is it really broken
If it can break again
And if I could travel way back then
And if I had the chance to warn her
I’d hold back my tears
And I’d hold my tongue
I’d hold my tongue
I’d hold my tongue
And I wouldn’t say
It only ends in pain
No wisdom to be gained
You’ll never wanna try again
You’ll never wanna make another friend
So pick someone safer
Someone you like less
Darling, this’ll turn into a mess
You’ve always been a mess
Whatever we had went from
Apples to oranges, dust to dust
I’ll finish this chapter alone if I must
Apples to oranges, not much in between
I blinked and must’ve missed the transformation it seems
Apples to oranges, I don’t have regrets
I won’t believe that kind eyes are nothing but threats
Apples to oranges, I’m glad that I cared
Cuz now I know that heartbreak isn’t too much to bear
I grieve the connotations of your name
I remember when I realized that they’ll never be the same
I fight the thoughts that tell me I’m to blame
And I resist the urge to hope that you feel shame
Still I wish you had a better reason
I really could’ve used just one more season
You told me it’s normal, but I already know
I’ve spent my whole life watching how other people go
Do you remember saying, “not just willing happy”
Well I think I know exactly
When you stopped being willing
But when did you stop being happy?
When did this go from
Apples to oranges, dust to dust
I’ll finish this chapter alone if I must
Apples to oranges, not much in between
I blinked and must’ve missed the transformation it seems
(I miss the apples)
Apples to oranges, I don’t have regrets
(I miss the, I miss the kind eyes)
I won’t believe that kind eyes are nothing but threats
(I miss the apples)
Apples to oranges, I’m glad that I cared
Cuz now I know that heartbreak isn’t too much to bear
|
||||
13. |
Aboveground
02:46
|
|||
|
I’m down, it’s cold and dark here
Hope has been swallowed by fear
It feels like I have lost
Against the thing I’ve fought forever
I guess I’ll just give in now
I’ll let it chew my skin, how
Am I supposed to remember
When I end up here it’s never
One-way, but someday, it might be
One-way, despite the evidence
That I’ve got roundtrip tickets, and I’ll end up back home
Even when I’m stranded in the dark, like it or not, I’m not alone
We have been here before, we know our way around
We’ll try to trust that we will find our way back aboveground
I've been crying all week long and
It’s messing up all my plans
It feels like I have lost
Against the thing I’ve fought forever
I guess it’s just a bad week
I’ll let it chew through my cheek
How am I supposed to remember
When I end up here it’s never
One-way, but someday, what if it’s
One-way, despite the evidence
That I’ve got roundtrip tickets, and I’ll end up back home
Even when I’m stranded in the dark, like it or not, I’m not alone
We have been here before, we know our way around
We’ll try to trust that we will find our way back aboveground
Oh well, I guess I’ve finally snapped ‘cause this feels irreversible
I wonder if my brain was crafted just to be submersible
Oh hell, I guess it’s always been this way, the past is blurry
What else to do besides write words that make my loved ones worry
Just understand that underground’s a place I sometimes go, even though
I won’t believe you if you tell me, I hope you know
That I’ve got roundtrip tickets, and I’ll end up back home
Even when I’m stranded in the dark, like it or not, I’m not alone
We have been here before, we know our way around
We’ll try to trust that we will find our way back aboveground
|
||||
Mia Stegner Colorado
Thank you for being here. :)
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Sam Phillips’s 2009 Christmas album gets expanded and remastered, its unadorned songs the perfect antidote to saccharine holiday tunes.
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The London band's new album is a vibrant postcard from southern Italy, boosted by brass, strings, and pizzica percussion from local players.
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We Can Go Anywhere From Here
by sir Was
featured on Bandcamp Radio Jan 9, 2024
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A Beat To Make It Better
by Thandii
featured on Bandcamp Radio Jan 9, 2024
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Spaced-out synthpop music with a psychedelic edge, rhythmic and trippy.
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