Indebted to Blue, by Mia Stegner

Indebted to Blue

by Mia Stegner

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Draw a bird. Name ten things you’re looking forward to. Write about who or what or where is home to you... Scribbled Pleas is a book of lyrics by singer-songwriter Mia Stegner, filled with unique prompts designed to inspire creative expression and self-reflection. A storyteller at heart, author Mia Stegner views songwriting as an avenue to ask questions, seek answers, and ponder both personal and collective pieces of the human experience. Learn more at www.MiaStegner.com

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1.	A Code That'll Never Be Broken 02:42	lyrics	buy track
I’m in a bit of a downswing again It’s happened before, but did I think that I was feeling better back then? Every night I wonder am I feeling better am I feeling worse than I have ever felt before Every morning nothing’s changed or Everything is different once again but keeping track is such a chore I’m in a bit of a downswing again It’s happened before, but didn’t I think I was feeling better back then? How can I remember where I’ve been? Am I supposed to know exactly where I’m coming from and where I’m going Can’t be sure if I’ve felt better or worse than I do right now, my doubt is surely showing Numbers, charts, and ranking Take measure while demons are flanking I’ve got no right to be this scared Track moods, symptoms, feelings My still and quiet mind is reeling In a world that’s crumbling, how well do you fare? Every night I wonder is the world a little better is the world a little worse than it has been before? Every morning nothing’s changed or everything is different once again but keeping track is such a chore I always try to look on the bright side [But there're all these shadows in the way](18963332) I try to count the happy moments Try not to let them slip away They may But they’ll be back again to play I’m in a bit of a downswing again It’s happened before, and it’ll happen some more, and more, but then A ray of sunshine, something hopeful, something happy, something slightly less sour and more sweet A thing to get me out of bed, to brighten up my head and give me a reason to move my feet I think I might stop tracking There’s just no use in cracking A code that’ll never be broken It doesn’t exist Keep making revelations Forget them overnight And start again But still we will persist
2.	Brace Yourself 03:47	lyrics	buy track
You've got a sign made with markers in twenty different colors Into this beautiful sign you put sweat, heart, and soul But there across the street, stands something that might be more powerful A red hexagon on a sturdy gray pole The cars, they slow You want to know Which sign are they looking at? Which sign are they pausing for? You’re trying so hard out here Should you be doing more? Which sign are they looking at? Which sign are they pausing for? You’re trying so hard out here Don’t deserve to be ignored You try to pour out a few more ice cubes From the pitcher to the plastic red cups you brought out Most of them scatter to the sidewalk below And you’re left there, filled with regret and self-doubt Rising hope, sinking heart You’ve only made 85 cents, since the start Which sign are they looking at? Which sign are they pausing for? You’re trying so hard out here Should you be doing more? Which sign are they looking at? Which sign are they pausing for? You’re trying so hard out here Don’t deserve to be ignored Your beautiful sign, keeps coming unstuck It just isn’t fair to have such bad luck When you return with more tape, it’s long gone Curse the wind, and the cars, and the sun, and the lawn You don’t know who’s melting faster The ice cubes or you You have something in common with the sky Because both are so blue More cars passing by, you wonder Why, you wonder why, you wonder Which sign are they looking at? Which sign are they pausing for? You’re trying so hard out here Should you be doing more? Which sign are they looking at? Which sign are they pausing for? You’re trying so hard out here Don’t deserve to be ignored A woman on a bike comes to a full stop right in front of you She’s holding the sign, the one that had strayed She smiles and returns the art to the artist You brace yourself to be betrayed Then you ask if she’d like lemonade
3.	Chapter 03:20	lyrics	buy track
I took a train, to Brunswick, Maine To see the colors at their peak Hit refresh on another week I took a train. I sat alone I tried to look out of the window More than into my phone Ah-ah-ah-ah, ah ah Ooh ooh ooh-ooh Ooh ooh ooh-ooh Ah-ah-ah-ah, ah ah Ooh ooh ooh-ooh Ooh ooh ooh-ooh Falling asleep to the sound of the green line Drowning my soul in peppermint tea God knows I’ve got nearly everything that I could want for this chapter It’s still not quite as happy as I think that it could be, should be I cried in the shower Shook up for the better part of an hour When my new shampoo smelled like the berries that grew In the yard of my childhood home Turned out the lights Sat on my windowsill, to watch the night And make up stories Falling asleep to the sound of the green line Drowning my soul in peppermint tea God knows I’ve got nearly everything that I could want for this chapter It’s still not quite as happy as I think that it should Be-e-e-e, e-e Ooh ooh ooh-ooh Ooh ooh ooh-ooh Ah-ah-ah-ah, ah ah Ooh ooh ooh-ooh Ooh ooh ooh-ooh Too many moments too quiet Too many feelings too loud Too much change, and not enough growth Or isn’t it the other way around? I took a train, back to North Station I wondered, should I have another go at meditation? I took a train. I watched the sun set I thought I saw a raccoon crossing a river It was too fast and dark and far away to guarantee I got a glimpse. Should I hold on to what I think I See-e-e-e, e, e Ooh ooh ooh-ooh Ooh ooh ooh-ooh Ah-ah-ah-ah, ah ah Ooh ooh ooh-ooh Ooh ooh ooh-ooh Ah-ah-ah-ah, ah ah Ooh ooh ooh-ooh Ooh ooh ooh-ooh Ah-ah-ah-ah, ah ah Ooh ooh ooh-ooh Ooh ooh ooh-ooh
4.	Demon in My Heart 04:42	lyrics	buy track
Something feels less than ideal I feel more bitter than sweet There’s some sort of demon trapped in my heart He’s stealing my feelings to eat I’ve tried to befriend him We’ve tried to share I’ve tried to ignore him But he’s always there I like to process feelings, but I need a break I want a new muse, how many songs will you take? So fucking needy, need my worries to survive But if I try to starve you you’re just angrier and still alive Something feels less than ideal Deep down in my soul Are you sucking the life from my veins? Or am I just getting old? I think I said “hi” the wrong way I wish I could feel that that’s fine Why does this matter so much to me? I only judge mistakes when they’re mine I like to process feelings, but I need a break I want a new muse, how many songs will you take? So fucking needy, need my worries to survive But if I try to starve you you’re just angrier and still alive Listen here, please take more naps I’ll find you food, but just the scraps You can’t have my feelings anymore Don’t take what should be mine Listen here, you’re not a baby anymore So how come lately You’ve been so dependent Please find something else to do before I change my mind I like to process feelings, but I need a break I want a new muse, how many songs will you take? So fucking needy, need my worries to survive But if I try to starve you you’re just angrier and still alive I know you feed on suffering, cuz that’s what seems to keep you growing But surely you must eat some joy too, where else could mine be going? I like to process feelings, but I need a break I want a new muse, how many songs will you take? So fucking needy, need my worries to survive But if I try to starve you you’re just angrier and still alive I like to process feelings, but I need a break I want a new muse, how many songs will you take? So fucking needy, need my worries to survive But if I try to starve you you’re just angrier and still alive Something feels less than ideal I feel more bitter than sweet There’s some sort of demon trapped in my heart He’s stealing my feelings to eat
5.	Everybody's Somewhere 02:37	lyrics	buy track
Among the birds, she sits in the dirt Trying to pretend that she isn't hurt Sandwich in one hand, cigarette in the other Just missed her flight, on the phone with her mother Black jeans, red winter coat, green hair The smoke gently wiggles up into the air She gives into the pigeons and shares her meal She wonders what it’s like to be a bird - how would it feel? Do you wonder why? Do you wonder how? Everybody’s somewhere right now At a table, he sits with a chocolate scone Sipping apple juice while his grown parents drone Crumbs tumbling everywhere, and he doesn’t notice Small water bottle is labeled as “Otis” Across the room she holds a heavy door open Getting impatient and letting the cold in She snaps at her mother to hurry it up Her mother’s refilling her ice water cup Do you wonder why? Do you wonder how? Everybody’s somewhere right now Young arms around a two-year-old are covered in ink She can’t help but worry what passersby think But she’s a great mom, not too far from a saint And her daughter likes to color in her tattoos with paint Round orange glasses, and smaller than the other kids Waddling down the streets of Boston He wraps his arms tightly ‘round his body Trying not to let the frost in Do you wonder why? Do you wonder how? Everybody’s somewhere right now A waitress with dark braids in a yellow dress Clearly friendly, clearly under unfair stress Five colored pens in her apron pocket Sticker-covered server notepad, silver heart-shaped locket Old man in a poncho, taking his time Every step makes this walk feel more like a climb Life is uphill and it keeps getting steeper So why have respect for the pedestrian gatekeeper? Do you wonder why? Do you wonder how? Everybody’s somewhere right now Do you wonder why? Do you wonder how? Everybody’s somewhere, everybody’s somewhere Everybody’s somewhere right now
6.	From Your Room 04:00	lyrics	buy track
Eye contact has never been a strength of mine So staring at the ground, I whisper it'll all be fine My door says come inside, take off your smile My floor says come and lie with me a while Let your worries bind to threads of carpet Get as low as you feel and find comfort in the match A spark of joy, goes dancing ‘cross the ceiling It bewilders walls that you never seem to catch Go outside and walk your demons Maybe that will wear them out Trust no one but me and I say Being alone is not what life’s about Go outside and get some fresh air Find a train and just go somewhere Seek eye contact, follow through You already know what to do, first step is think it from your room Hide behind an introvert identity When I’m never really sure the label’s mine If I like people and I don’t feel better When over half my moments are just mine Tell myself I like the way I’m living Tell myself I need to be alone The alternative will only end in failure Safer to get by on just the feelings in my phone Go outside and walk your demons Maybe that will wear them out Trust no one but me and I say Being alone is not what life’s about Go outside and get some fresh air Find a train and just go somewhere Seek eye contact, follow through You already know what to do, first step is think it from your room If you never leave it could stop feeling like home (ah, ah, ah) If you never leave, you might forget how to roam (ah, ah, ah) I can’t keep saying I need space if I lack evidence I can’t keep saying give me time, if I want present tense So over and over again The stamina of my excuses reaches its end Go outside and walk your demons Maybe that will wear them out Trust no one but me and I say Being alone is not what life’s about Go outside and get some fresh air Find a train and just go somewhere Seek eye contact, follow through You already know what to do, first step is think it from your room
7.	Good, How Are You? 02:55	lyrics	buy track
Hey, hi, how are you? Good, how are you? Good, good. Bye, see ya Autopilot, wish I wasn’t like a violet So delicate, so quiet Hey, hi, how are you? Kinda wish I really knew But goodbye, see ya Autopilot, wish I didn’t have to smile it Tires me, it’s true Autopilot, autopilot, autopilot, autopilot Why is my default distance? Following instinctual social resistance? Why is my default ending conversation? As if it’s just another obligation? Nod and laugh, but not too much Don’t touch your hair, don’t put a comma there Don’t look, don’t look away Till I forget what normal feels like Be yourself, they say But what if "me" is not authentic As a person, what if hiding is my personality? Hey, hi, how are you? Good, how are you? Good, good. Bye, see ya A million times, and it always ends the same Hey, hi, how are you? Kinda wish I really knew But goodbye, see ya A million times, and I guess both parties are to blame Kinda lame I’d claim Maybe we should feel some shame We’ve been trained to play a game I know I’d rather feed a flame But the motivation never came So put us in the hall of fame You might as well just frame our names 'Cause we’re the millionth pair to play the game Hey, hi, how are you? Good, how are you? Good, good. Bye, see ya I know what to do To pass as normal Is that something that you think I do? Maybe none of this is true? I have studied people’s words and actions While I sit there still and quiet Still sometimes I don’t know how to Mimic what I see although I Try, I should try, not to try Maybe I just need to cry But my eyes, they are dry, my soul is fried I am blue, like the sky, so tell my Why are my eyes dry? Hey, hi, how are you? Good, how are you? Good, good. Bye, see ya I don’t know what to say What combination of the letters And the symbols I have in my Pocket make the most sense to combine today? I don’t know what to do I have these strategies that I don’t Always know that I am using until I stop to think about it Then I wonder what am I avoiding It’s annoying fighting my own brain again Do I think that this is making my life easier Because I think I’ll think again It’s so much work to care this much and I don’t know how I can stop this Round and round I rethink every Message I receive and write about a hundred times Hey, hi, how are you? Good, how are you? Good, good. Bye, see ya Autopilot, wish I wasn’t like a violet So delicate, so quiet Every so often I meet someone who is so Easy to talk to they make me think maybe I’ve Gotten a glimpse of what this being human ordeal Is supposed to look like Every so often the rules disappear I stop fearing the what if’s and For a small stretch I could swear that it all feels alright Hey, hi, how are you? Good, how are you? Good, good. Bye, see ya Autopilot, wish I wasn’t like a violet So delicate, so quiet Hey, hi, how are you? Kinda wish I really knew But goodbye, see ya Autopilot, wish I didn’t have to smile it Tires me, it’s true Autopilot, autopilot, autopilot, autopilot
8.	Halloween 02:44	lyrics	buy track
I’m afraid of monsters I’m afraid of you I’m afraid I’ll die one day But life, it scares me too There’s so much to fear There’s so much to do There’s so little time Can’t help but doubt that we’ll come through Reclaim it as fun, for only one night This time we won’t run, from all of the fright We don’t have to fight, we can have tonight We’ll trap our fear in TV screens We’ll let it out on Halloween Behind the masks, real monsters wait To this costume party, don’t be late Pass out candy to all of your family neighbors friends Stay up all night so the day doesn’t have to end
9.	Ink 01:18	lyrics	buy track
Get this marker off my skin 'Cause I want something stronger Works like a charm for doodles on my arm But I want something longer I endorse endorphins, maybe that is all It takes for ink to be a thing for which I fall Adrenaline, control, relief, addiction? Permanence, expression, financial affliction? The draw, worthy of awe, is quite intoxicating, calculating Count your money, gather your ideas, and stop your waiting Is it a simple joy, a toy, a thing that entertains? Or does the instinct run like blood as far within as veins? Might not be healthy coping, but it’s certainly a mechanism Does it come from cynicism, hedonism, mesmerism? I want a thing - or two or three - That lasts as long as skin upon my bones So what if all it is is a way to fight or stall against unknowns? All I know is it’s not something I want to debate We’re all walking works of art, but if I want to change a trait If anything in this world is mine to do with as I please My body’s surely on that list so try to be at ease
10.	Jack Willing 01:09	lyrics	buy track
Bone-chilling, Jack willing, let's make this a game Count our steps or go find cocoa, Frost is who we'll blame I like winter, I like snow, but I draw the line at freezing Slippery streets and ice-cold skin, it's far less than appeasing I close my window, nonetheless the cold gets in Last night I slept in my winter coat At least it's something that unites us A thousand cold pink noses in the same boat Bone-chilling, Jack willing, let's make this a game (I like winter, I like snow, but I draw the line at freezing) (I close my window, nonetheless the cold gets in) Count our steps or go find cocoa, Frost is who we'll blame (Slippery streets and ice-cold skin, it's far less than appeasing) (Last night I slept in my winter coat) Bone-chilling, Jack willing, let's make this a game (I like winter, I like snow, but I draw the line at freezing) (At least it's something that unites us) Count our steps or go find cocoa, Frost is who we'll blame (Slippery streets and ice-cold skin, it's far less than appeasing) (A thousand cold pink noses in the same boat) Bone-chilling, Jack willing, let's make this a game Count our steps or go find cocoa, Frost is who we'll blame
11.	Know How 02:33	lyrics	buy track
Washing shot glasses in the boys’ bathroom The apple juice is ready to be poured Cover up the windows, put up all the lights The details are not to be ignored I feel like a child and I feel like a grown-up Lights, camera, action, and it’s time to put my phone up Always in the moment 'cause where else is there to be? It feels like home and I feel like me Maybe we’re just playing a game right now But we’re playing it pretty damn well, I don’t know how This will go or where I’ll be In a few years, please hire me I’ll be a script supervisor, writer, stand-in, A.D., P.A., D.P., gaffer, grip, 1st A.C., I will learn anything Just let me in the room please I’d have a ball being the fly on the wall if you’ll let me I just wanna see the other side of the door I’d have a great time bringing you coffee if you’ll let me And as I gain confidence, one day I’ll more want more Coffee in my bloodstream, a binder in my lap, and People all around, and a pen in my hand In the middle of the forest, leaning on a tree Sitting in the hall outside of 8th floor Tufte Moving chairs, problem-solving, painting cardboard Faking street lamps, coiling up cords Quiet in a corner in a crowded living room Looking over lines as I wait for filming to resume I feel like a child and I feel like a grown-up Lights, camera, action and it’s time to put my phone up Always in the moment 'cause where else is there to be? It feels like home and I feel like me Maybe we’re just playing a game right now But we’re playing it pretty damn well, I don’t know how This will go or where I’ll be In twenty years Professors say 2 percent will make it We’ve all got fears Maybe we’re just playing a game right now But we’re playing it pretty damn well, I don’t know how This will go I don’t know where we’ll be
12.	Laundry on The Bed 02:27	lyrics	buy track
Clean laundry on the bed Made a promise to myself in my head I won’t sleep till it’s all put away I won’t leave it for another day So I think I’ll be up for a while Cuz laundry’s feeling like sprinting a mile I’ve made it this far Went downstairs where the machines are I returned not once but twice Even managed not to see any mice Made it on time so my clothes weren’t thrown to the floor While I waited I even did some other chores So why now, is there Clean laundry on the bed Made a promise to myself in my head I won’t sleep till it’s all put away I won’t leave it for another day So I think I’ll be up for a while Cuz laundry’s feeling like sprinting a mile I’ve made it this far Went downstairs where the machines are Made eye contact with two strangers Managed to only feel a bit in danger Dared to leave my basket in the laundry room Didn’t get stolen this time, so why now can’t I resume? Clean laundry on the bed Made a promise to myself in my head I won’t sleep till it’s all put away I won’t leave it for another day So I think I’ll be up for a while Cuz laundry’s feeling like sprinting a mile Turn the music up, open the windows Think about how nice it’ll be to wear these clothes Turn the music up, and sing along Start with what feels easy, hope you know that you are strong Clean laundry on the bed Made a promise to myself in my head I won’t sleep till it’s all put away I won’t leave it for another day
13.	Magic 02:58	lyrics	buy track
The days of candy canes in cocoa quickly coming to a close I can’t prevent the crumbling clarity of memories In early years the magic seemed to always be around And now I find I have to squint to see so I say please Let me save the photos forever Isn’t that the least you can do? Let me take pictures in my head and then review them before bed I don’t know who I’m talking to, all I know is I’m begging you Nobody knows where time goes when it leaves us all behind Would following turn us backward, is it possible to climb Into the moments that we want to keep in mind, defined Or would we end up upside down all turned around in time? Let me save the photos forever Isn’t that the least you can do? Let me take pictures in my head and then review them before bed I don’t know who I’m talking to, all I know is I’m begging you In due time, in no time, we’ll see… Why I’m depressed and stressed, I’ve lost my zest At best it’s hard to just get dressed, and Laundry feels like it’s a quest, or a test I’m failing with a demon as my guest, lest I rest Don’t mean to suggest that I’m not blessed But can I please just request, less of a pest inside my chest? Have my inner demons feasted on my inner child, maybe? Send a rescue party, if your cynicism scares you baby If she has to die, well at least she will have eight more lives She always knew she was part cat, so I think she’ll survive Have I become the sucker who simply can’t hear the bells? ‘Cause fear and grief and loneliness have cast all sorts of spells? How dare I be the grown-up that I swore to never be! Fake it ‘till you make it? Think I’ll make a cup of tea Let me save the photos forever Isn’t that the least you can do? Let me take pictures in my head and then review them before bed I don’t know who I’m talking to, all I know is I’m begging you I’m fine! I swear! Just need some air Not sure if this is a complaint or a prayer But I would like some magic back Can someone bring that in a sac?
14.	No Choice 02:27	lyrics	buy track
Spreading on pavement and into the ground Drowning the spiders, and drowning out sound Do you want to join me and dance in the rain? Fuzzing the hard lines of everything in sight Softening every surface with all of their might Do you think this could wash away our pain? Falling, falling No choice but to be cold instead of warm Falling, falling No choice but to add to the storm Hitting people and places and things Birds hide to wait for their next chance to sing How does it feel to wait in the clouds for your turn to fall? Hitting windows and fences and trees Making rainbows and killing brave bees How does it feel to tumble downward, hit the ground, do they feel at all? Do they feel it all? Falling, falling No choice but to be cold instead of warm Falling, falling No choice but to add to the storm
15.	Orbit 03:26	lyrics	buy track
I would like to join this orbit But I am stopped by fear I would like to join this orbit But would you want me near? I can feel your gravity And it’s rather inviting I can feel your gravity And I’d like to stop fighting I admire the stars in your galaxy Do you think there’s room for me? Can I tag along I could be A moon on planet number 3? I would like to join this orbit But I am stopped by fear I would like to join this orbit But would you want me near? I can feel your gravity And it’s rather exciting I can feel your gravity And I’d like to stop fighting I admire the stars in your galaxy Do you think there’s room for me? Can I tag along I could be A moon on planet number 3? I promise not to slow your pace I promise I won’t take much space I admire the stars in your galaxy Do you think there’s room for me? Can I tag along I could be A moon on planet number 3? I would like to join this orbit But I am stopped by fear I would like to join this orbit But would you want me near? I can feel your gravity And it’s rather inviting I can feel your gravity And I’d like to stop fighting
16.	Peach Tree 02:33	lyrics	buy track
We'd watch for the right size and color But I think that our peach tree was cursed Because all of the squirrels, and birds, and bugs Wouldn't wait as long, so they'd get there first If you wait too long for a thing to be ripe Then just before you know it, it’s spoiled If you wait too long for your turn to bite Then your perfect plan will be foiled Go outside, take what’s there It can be yours, even the squirrels will share Go outside, take a bite You will never taste anything perfect, try as you might We'd watch for the right size and color But I think our peach tree was cursed Because all of the squirrels, and birds, and bugs Wouldn't wait as long, so they'd get there first If you wait too long for a thing to be ripe Then just before you know it, it’s spoiled If you wait too long for your turn to bite Then your perfect plan will be foiled Don’t be too picky, in the pursuit of picking peaches That’s what the story of the poor peach tree teaches Don’t be too picky, in the pursuit of picking peaches That’s what the story of the poor peach tree teaches We'd watch for the right size and color But I think that our peach tree was cursed Because all of the squirrels, and birds, and bugs Wouldn't wait as long, so they'd get there first
17.	Quickly 02:33	lyrics	buy track
Handful of almonds from the jar upon my desktop To stall my hunger just until I’m ready to stop I know it’s time to relocate to the dining hall But this simple snack allows me to ignore the call Just need to finish one more thing, or maybe I will do it all Real quickly (Who needs lunch?) Real quickly (I know I do) Real quickly (Almost done) In the end no one will have won When it comes to the speed that we’re all moving at I wish I could be more like a cat The passion is there, but they don’t give a care About being on time When it comes to the speed that we’re all moving at I wish we could all be, more like cats Are they deeply in the moment, or far away in space? Either way they know it’s not a race I’m getting sick of making all of these to-do lists I know we’ve got to get stuff done, I know we must persist But I can’t help but think of all the things we must have missed And when I do, I gotta say, I get a little pissed Why’s it so hard for work and play to coexist, we move Real quickly (It’s never over) Real quickly (It’s not fair) Real quickly (Keep on moving) In the end, will we really care?
18.	Rainbow She Made 02:34	lyrics	buy track
Small fingers are covered in colors Dusty and light, but nonetheless bright She pats the cement And a smoke-like blur of colorful dust takes flight Scraping gentle arches with pieces of chalk on her driveway She hopes it won’t rain Red orange yellow, green blue purple In awe of the rainbow she made She stares at the sky, and wonders why Can’t we skip the storm to get to the good part? Must the good things, with the bad, be washed away? Is the rain really needed for a fresh start? Does the sky ever have to be gray? She knows in her heart, that if the art Is never cleared away Her drawings will spread, she knows in her head She’ll run out of space one day Besides, the rain’s the reason every tree around her grew Maybe old things must make way for the new Maybe every single color’s indebted to blue She stares at the the sky, thinking of why We can’t skip the storm to get to the good part And the good things, with the bad, must be washed away And rain is really needed for a fresh start At times the sky will have to be gray Small fingers are covered in colors Dusty and light, but nonetheless bright She pats the cement And a smoke-like blur of colorful dust takes flight Scraping gentle arches with pieces of chalk on her driveway She hopes it will rain So the sky can lift up her art And show the whole world the rainbow she made
19.	Sensitive Nature 03:07	lyrics	buy track
You wanted my goat and you got it but don’t be surprised if it bites Forgive me if I’m not ashamed of my sensitive nature You wanted to stir the pot, you stirred too hard and it burned you Forgive me if I’m not the one to apologize first Cuz I think you just got exactly what you wanted Why now are ya so upset? I think you just got exactly what was coming Not my fault we’re both a mess How did you want this to go. Oh What did you want me to say? Hey I’ve lost all my patience this year You caught me at a bad time, on the wrong day, on the wrong day You poked a monster and you were surprised when it looked you in the eye Guess you thought it’d be funny to jump around starting these fires You certainly love a good lecture, you give but you’re not much of a taker And what was the best case scenario, make us both liars? I’m sorry you’re not sorry about the stupid thing you said I’m sorry that I’m angry, did you really expect to end up ahead? Well I think you just got exactly what you wanted Why now are ya so upset? I think you just got exactly what was coming Not my fault we’re both a mess How did you want this to go What did you want me to say? I’ve lost all my patience this year You caught me at a bad time, on the wrong day, on the wrong day You can get a rise out of me, if that’s what you want to do Thick skin isn’t helpful when half the threats come from inside of you I think you just got exactly what you wanted Why now are ya so upset? I think you just got exactly what was coming Not my fault we’re both a mess How did you want this to go What did you want me to say? I’ve lost all my patience this year You caught me at a bad time, on the wrong day, on the wrong day In the wrong year, on the wrong planet I think you just got exactly what you wanted Why now are ya so upset? I think you just got exactly what was coming Not my fault we’re both a mess I think you just got exactly what you wanted Why now are ya so upset? I think you just got exactly what was coming Not my fault we’re both a mess I think you just got exactly what you wanted Why now are ya so upset? I think you just got exactly what was coming Not my fault we’re both a mess
20.	Tiptoe 01:57	lyrics	buy track
Tiptoe. Tiptoe Are you doing it too? Tiptoe. Tiptoe I’ve known a while that I am a mouse Are you? Join me in my stealthy endeavor I’ve got hiding places, boy do I ever Join me and we’ll be alone together Can you be soft and still and quiet as a feather? I’ll go anywhere quiet to put my nerves at ease To successfully hide from a cat, you can’t so much as sneeze Tiptoe. Tiptoe Are you doing it too? Tiptoe. Tiptoe I’ve known a while that I am a mouse Are you? I prefer to avoid the chase I prefer to avoid the whole human race But that’s a lie because sometimes I like to show my face If I need a piece of cheese or if I am feeling called to outer space I’ll go anywhere quiet to put my nerves at ease To successfully hide from a cat, you can’t so much as sneeze Tiptoe. Tiptoe Are you doing it too? Tiptoe. Tiptoe I’ve known a while that I am a mouse Are you?
21.	Undeveloped Tendencies 00:50	lyrics	buy track
Undeveloped tendencies I string along dependencies Please ignore discrepancies I haven’t got all day To explain the person that I am In case somebody gives a damn Maybe all I am’s a sham But who among us isn’t gray? Undeveloped tendencies I string along dependencies Please ignore discrepancies I haven’t got all day To explain the person that I am In case somebody gives a damn Maybe all I am’s a sham But who among us isn’t gray?
22.	Venture 03:17	lyrics	buy track
How far will candy take me? What if the movies make me? How come I still feel lost at home? The joy of little things Coffee cups and ukulele strings Why do I lean on things I own? Imagination gets me by, it always has, does, could Friends, foes, partners being real, would that even be good? I’m always up for making drastic changes just for fun And still I feel my chances slip from slight to slim to none Every time I think I’ll try The venture always ends with Why (why, why) And then I cry And when my eyes dry I’ll start back at the beginning and I’ll think “maybe I’ll try.” I keep my eye out for a way To stop this spiral in its tracks today I’m tired of the ride If love means pain then maybe I Don’t want it anyway I don’t think I’d take heartbreak in stride Imagination gets me by, it always has, does, could Friends, foes, partners being real, would that even be good? I’m always up for making drastic changes just for fun And still I feel my chances slip from slight to slim to none Every time I think I’ll try The venture always ends with Why (why, why) Mmm, mmm, mmm I need instructions I need to wake up Maybe I should just be wearing more makeup (wearing more makeup) Does it take hours (hours) Days months years (days months years) To call someone a friend, I fear I’ve been defining relationships all wrong Imagination gets me by, it always has, does, could Friends, foes, partners being real, would that even be good? I’m always up for making drastic changes just for fun And still I feel my chances slip from slight to slim to none If I want to feel the world, why can’t I get out of bed? Maybe I am better off in my head (head, head) Mmm, mmm, mmm Mmmm
23.	Wavelength 01:57	lyrics	buy track
Your energy’s compelling, and I mix up all our words If those around are humans, then the two of us are birds Something here feels different, and I can’t quite place just why All I know is this strange feeling that someone’s joined me in my sky We’re on the same wavelength (wave, length) I can’t explain it but please stick around (please stick around) Wavelength (wave, length) I can’t explain it but please I see you and you see me, we hear the other’s voice This is how communication would be all the time if we had the choice Everyone lives lives in different worlds Don’t tell me that’s not tragic So though this may just last a moment For the moment, it’s close to magic We’re on the same wavelength (wave, length) I can’t explain it but please stick around (please stick around) Wavelength (wave, length) I can’t explain it but please
24.	Xenogamy 03:17	lyrics	buy track
She’s never heard this word before, and that gives her a scare It wasn’t on her study list, and that just seems unfair But there’s also something less unpleasant settling in her mind A sense of righteous apathy, relief of a certain kind She’ll either get it right or not, she only has to try "Definition please?" She asks, and a powerful voice replies… "Fertilization by cross-pollination Especially between flowers on different plants." She thinks, "That doesn’t help me, it never does." She sighs and gives the ceiling a glance Was it really worth the flashcards, the hours of memorization? Do types of words nobody needs, deserve so much dedication? Realizing, maybe I am only here ‘cuz some fool wants a song to start with X For a moment she just stands there, twiddling her thumbs, thinking of flower sex This spelling bee is just a flower, one small stop for a bee like me X-E-N-O-G-A-M-E This man behind the table, even he has to have checked He makes a face, and then he says, "I’m sorry but that’s incorrect." Dad’s smile drops, as does mom’s hand, her phone no longer filming Excitedly their daughter skips away, decidedly leaving the building
25.	Your Head at Night 03:48	lyrics	buy track
I must admit The night sky’s like a puzzle And I think that my piece fits I’ve gotta say I just can’t imagine Belonging to the day But maybe that’s okay There are times when life moves a bit too fast And it’s harder to make moments last And the days just blur together It feels like the blur will go on for forever There are times when food doesn’t taste as good And it’s harder to feel understood And the colors aren’t as bright And the easiest part of the day is the night When everything is a bit too much And the world is a bit too bright There’s always the night There’s always the night There’s always the night When the dark and quiet is not enough And again you feel alright There’s always the light There’s always the light There’s always the light I used to hate going to bed I used to always fight the dread I wonder what that girl would say If I told her I’m not sure that I still prefer the day She’d say, "I see hope in your eyes Do you think hope is fear in disguise? Do you still write lullabies In your head at night, for the butterflies?” She’d say, “Do you think you’ve grown wise? Do you think this is new, are you just full of lies? Do you still write lullabies In the dead of night, for the butterflies?” When everything is a bit too much And the world is a bit too bright There’s always the night There’s always the night There’s always the night When the dark and quiet is not enough And again you feel alright There’s always the light There’s always the light There’s always the light She’d say, “So what it’s a demon now So what that it’s blue? Always gotta be something with you It started with glue.” Remember the day, that we used to say "The glue is what holds you together my dear Without it you’re free but there’s also the fear You’ll fall apart quickly and lose everything that you are The glue’s a familiar misery mystery All that I want is for it to be hist’ry but I don’t know how because that’s what has got me this far Cover it with bitter glitter Dye it colors, don’t be a quitter We’ll make something beautiful yet …out of this sticky mess.” Make a metaphor, if you don’t have the words Turn your feelings into glue or sky or birds Just follow what makes the most sense It’s as good as any other defense Nothing feels quite right, nothing lasts too long But the cycle does give ample inspiration for songs When everything is a bit too much And the world is a bit too bright There’s always the night There’s always the night There’s always the night When the dark and quiet is not enough And again you feel alright There’s always the light There’s always the light There’s always the light
26.	Zoetic 04:28	lyrics	buy track
Have you ever been blown away? By something you see every day? And you don’t expect it but you don’t correct it 'Cause you want that feeling to stay You can’t force feeling caught up in awe You can’t force seeing beauty in a flaw So when it comes let it, don’t delete, rewrite, or edit Don’t refuse to let your frozen heart thaw Little things can carry you through all your biggest feelings When you find yourself resistant to looking at anything but your ceiling Let a TV show be what makes you care to know about what happens next In being alive, let a cup of tea be what makes you feel anything other than vexed The other day I was walking alone at night And I felt something other than the logical fright This freezing cold breeze cuts right through to the bone Sharing it with strangers makes me feel less alone There are people I can’t help but like Every once in a while, my soul levels will spike Who knows if it’s mutual, that seems unusual I don’t know why I never say something when someone feels right And tonight, I may waste some more time (Tug at your clothes and your hair) And tomorrow I might do the same (As though gravity is shifting) My hope is that soon I’ll stop trying to learn the rules (Do you care?) And start actually playing this game (Something inside you is lifting) Little things can carry you through all your biggest feelings When you find yourself resistant to looking at anything but your ceiling Let a TV show be what makes you care to know about what happens next In being alive, let a cup of tea be what makes you feel anything other than vexed Maybe I need to put my mask on first I’m still becoming, being alone isn’t the worst But healthier me, and I think she’d agree Isn’t something that can be rehearsed I’d like to live life knowing that I have flown I’m starting to think I can’t do that alone Because I don’t want to, and I don’t wish to daunt you All I’m asking for is more wind in my bones
27.	Brace Yourself - Demo 02:42		buy track
28.	Demon in My Heart - Demo 03:06		buy track
29.	From Your Room - Demo 02:53		buy track
30.	Good, How Are You - Demo 02:43		buy track
31.	Halloween - Demo 01:41		buy track
32.	No Choice - Demo 02:22		buy track
33.	Orbit - Demo 04:00		buy track
34.	Peach Tree - Demo 01:45		buy track
35.	Rainbow She Made - Demo 01:25		buy track
36.	Sensitive Nature - Demo 02:39		buy track
37.	Venture - Demo 02:03		buy track
38.	Wavelength - Demo 01:02		buy track
39.	Your Head at Night - Demo 02:52		buy track
40.	Zoetic - Demo 03:10		buy track

about

Sometimes I get frustrated that my depression and anxiety have fueled, and continue to fuel, a lot of my songwriting. As much as I want to use my life to spread positivity, the negative feelings are often the ones I feel the need to express and expel. And I think that’s okay. But sometimes I crave a new muse. And I think that’s also okay.
My mental health affects a lot more in my life than just my music. Most of the time, they are the opposite of useful and the opposite of inspiring. Depression and anxiety one hundred percent suck, and I don’t want to romanticize them. They are not creative superpowers, and I wholeheartedly believe that inspiration doesn’t require pain and creativity doesn’t require suffering. There’s something valuable about the idea of turning your pain into art, into making lemonade with the lemons in your brain — but it’s also good to remember that lemons aren’t required. You can also use sugar, and apples or oranges, or whatever else you’ve got, you know?
Still, I can’t help but wonder what kind of art I would make if I didn’t feel pretty crummy a lot of the time. Would it be far better? Or would it be worse — is my art indebted to blue? Is the person I am indebted to blue? Is the fact that I’m an artist at all indebted to blue? Rain falls and flowers grow. Do we, and does the world, need sadness? Is all beauty, all life, all color, indebted to blue?
This album continues to ask those questions, but it also starts to break away from them. To look ahead, instead of just backward. To look outward, instead of just inward. I sing about demons, and fear, and overthinking, and loneliness. I also sing about a spelling bee, a peach tree, tattoos, cold weather, and a kid making art with sidewalk chalk. It’s anything and everything, pieces of me and pieces of the world I witness, all wrapped up in a little over an hour.

Videos: www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLOoqyqmkb7p6bQe_yPC1N9ebwUlFgkhwf

Merch: www.redbubble.com/people/miastegner/shop?artistUserName=MiaStegner&collections=1284371&iaCode=all-departments&sortOrder=relevant

credits

released May 1, 2020

piano on "A Code That'll Never Be Broken" by Rachel Solomon
cello on "A Code That'll Never Be Broken" by Tom Mccluskey
"Brace Yourself" & "From Your Room" produced by rowan
guitar on "Everybody's Somewhere" and "No Choice" by Christian Campos
strings & keyboard on "Magic" by Andrej Prole
violin on "No Choice" and "Quickly" by Lucia La Rezza
"Peach Tree" produced by Logan Dougherty
piano on "Quickly" by Yasas Amarasinghe
drums on "Quickly" and "Sensitive Nature" by Kyle Tupper
"Rainbow She Made" arranged by Marin Ishida, produced by Tanner Wallace
bass on "Sensitive Nature" by James Garner
strings on "Your Head at Night" by Viktor Cikarovski
strings on "Zoetic" by Andrej Prole

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