1. |
Scribbles
04:29
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I ponder the root of the pain in my chest
I ponder whether I think that I know me best
I’d be fonder of the body I live in, if it didn’t always beg me to rest
I’d be fonder of the world that I live in, if it didn’t feel so much like a test
I question my mouth when I speak
I wonder if everything’s bleak
I try to breathe deep as I try to interrogate my favorite day of the week
As I try to determine which feelings are new, and which ones are antique
And I finally take a step back,
To see what I’ve done with my time.
But I only see scribbles.
I only see scribbles.
I only see scribbles.
And none of it rhymes
In the drawers of my mind, remnants of mountains I’ve hiked
(everything’s crumbling, feels like I’m tumbling)
Do I want to be kind? Or do I just want to be liked?
(a brain always grumbling, internal mumbling)
For every thing I choose to say, a hundred more are on their way
(what should I say? what matters today?)
For every thing that’s on its way, a thousand more for another day
I’ll sort through the layers, but they tend to collapse at my touch
I’ll sort through the rubble, surely there can’t be too much
I have the tools to dig; I’ve learned to breathe the dirt
(I’ve learned to dig, I’ve learned to breathe the dirt)
I can’t be bothered to come up for air,
On days when I don’t care if breathing hurts
Smothered by my own stare,
Mothered by an instinct to care
(eyes always watching, only me by my side)
Surrounded by dots, that beg to be collected
(thinking any two points, can be connected with the right line)
I’ll try to get to the bottom of just one pair,
And then I’ll be surprised when I get stuck there
Surrounded by dots, that beg to be connected
Till the dots disappear and they move and they fill up my eyes
(I’ll over-explain till it all seems absurd)
Till I have to lie down with only myself to advise
(filling any silence with words)
When I finally take a step back,
To see what I’ve done with my time.
I only see scribbles.
I only see scribbles.
I only see scribbles.
And none of it rhymes
You’d think from rock bottom, at least you’d be forced to look up.
But I stare at my feet on the cold rocky ground,
And I don’t make a sound while the wheels in my head turn around.
I’d like to think that each breakthrough will loosen things up.
(to make me some room, to build something new)
But what if all of the pieces of walls, that used to confine
Are even more slippery to climb
I finally take a step back,
To see what I’ve done with my time.
But I only see scribbles.
I only see scribbles.
I only see scribbles.
And none of it rhymes
I only see scribbles.
I only see scribbles.
I only see scribbles.
But I can force it to rhyme
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2. |
Pretty Sky
03:31
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I tried to watch the sunset
But it didn’t keep my attention
Looking up every once in a while
From the desk where I’m spending my self-inflicted detention
Day turning into night
Something greedy is sucking away all the light
And there’s fire in the sky
Is it reflected in my eyes?
Well I’ve got no one with whom I wanna check
But am I ready to shuffle up the deck
If the hair’s standing up on the back of my neck
How can I focus on what’s sucking up the light outside
Pretty colors to distract from impending doom
From the very next day, from the very next zoom
And at times when my heart isn’t slow I’ll never know why
Another day another reason to
Cry, but why?
Why cry?
It’s just a pretty sky
Why does it happen every day?
Something must be wrong
Everything goes dark at some point
And maybe it was cloudy all along
Why can’t I enjoy the good things?
Always feels like a monster’s pulling the strings
Is there anything nice to eat
Was I built without springs in my feet
Well I’ve got no one with whom I wanna check
But am I ready to shuffle up the deck
If the hair’s standing up on the back of my neck
How can I focus on what’s sucking up the light outside
Pretty colors to distract from impending doom
From the very next day, from the very next zoom
And at times when my heart isn’t slow I’ll never know why
Another day another reason to
Cry, but why?
Why cry?
It’s just a pretty sky
Above vaseline on bloody lips and bandaids stuck to shredded nails
Periwinkle crescent moons around red eyes, and violent butterflies
A shaky brain moving around on rubber knees,
Contradicting feelings at war
Sometimes it’s all I know of me, is there more?
Well I’ve got no one with whom I wanna check
But am I ready to shuffle up the deck
If the hair’s standing up on the back of my neck
How can I focus on what’s sucking up the light outside
Pretty colors to distract from impending doom
From the very next day, from the very next zoom
And at times when my heart isn’t slow I’ll never know why
Another day another reason to
Cry, but why?
Why cry?
It’s just a pretty sky
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3. |
Very Next Day
03:18
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Never thought I’d be a waiter
I don’t have the patience
Always knew I had ambition
Sometimes it disappears or lies
My newfound normal is a dream again
Farther east than the sky is high
Now I’m stuck inside a time loop
I’m seeing so few new eyes
I wish I could believe
That soon again I’ll leave
Get on a plane, then a bus, then a train,
Without waking up here the very next day
Soon again I will leave
Like a sponge to what’s around me
Internalize whatever’s near
Is there a setting I can change
To resist absorbing the poison I left here
Swore I’d never spend another year
Aching for somewhere else to be
If I intend to keep my promise
Maybe there’s something I can fix inside of me
I wish I could believe
That soon again I’ll leave
Get on a plane, then a bus, then a train,
Without waking up here the very next day
Soon again I will leave
I feel bitter, I feel weak, tell my brain it’s not all bleak
I feel bitter, I feel weak, tell my brain it’s not all bleak
I feel bitter, I feel weak, tell my brain it’s not all bleak
I feel bitter, I feel weak, tell my brain it’s not all bleak
Soon again I will leave
Soon again I will leave
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4. |
Curse Every Sound
02:05
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Far too afraid to make conclusions
So when I jump, I jump to illusions
Is the jump why I fall?
Far too afraid to make mistakes
Will fucking up be what it takes
To change at all?
I don’t count a single blessing
All I counts is all my stressing
Only feel whatever’s pressing
Barely do what needs addressing
I don’t wanna make mistakes
If they burn into my mind and in my cheeks
And I don’t love if it breaks
So I’ll try again in the following weeks
Oh, there are moments when I curse every sound
And I wonder what my life is for,
When the only thing that I desire is to be close to the ground
But only in metaphor, can I merge with the floor
If my tendency’s impatience,
But I want to win at chess
No wonder I am anxious
Every choice feels like a mess, to make and clean.
If my tendency is dreaming,
But I want to be awake
No wonder I’m exhausted
By every breath I take, and the joy I glean
I don’t count a single blessing
All I counts is all my stressing
Only feel whatever’s pressing
Barely do what needs addressing
I don’t wanna make mistakes
If they burn into my mind and in my cheeks
And I don’t love if it breaks
So I’ll try again in the following weeks
Oh, there are moments when I curse every sound
And I wonder what my life is for,
When the only thing that I desire is to be close to the ground
But only in metaphor, can I merge with the floor
As long as we’re still here.
Does it matter what we fear?
Does it matter?
As long as we stay here.
As long as we stay here.
As long as we’re still here.
Does it matter what we fear?
Does it matter?
As long as we stay here.
As long as we stay here.
As long as we’re still here.
Does it matter what we fear?
Does it matter?
As long as we stay here.
As long as we stay here.
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5. |
Entire Human
03:30
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I can’t stop going over every little thing inside my head.
Isn’t there anything else I could be doing instead?
Is it this hard for every body? This hard for every brain?
If we want to feel anything, I guess we have to put up with the pain
At least that’s what we’re told
But it’s gettin’ old
I wanna love and I wanna feel
I wanna stumble, and I want something real
But if I can’t recover from simple mistakes,
How could I ever heal after heartbreak?
I wanna try, and I wanna speak
I want some chaos, because I need a place to shriek
But I stare and I keep my mouth shut
Potential words barely ever make the cut, oh
And I feel relentlessly unsteady, growing in a changing world.
Seems my map was shredded before ever even being unfurled.
I think I’ve lived in a bubble; I think I’ve lived in a dream
Catch myself wondering if anything is anywhere close to what it seems?
I know the thoughts aren’t bold
And they’re getting old
I wanna love and I wanna feel
I wanna stumble, and I want something real
But if I can’t recover from simple mistakes,
How could I ever heal after heartbreak?
I wanna try, and I wanna speak
I want some chaos, because I need a place to shriek
But I stare and I keep my mouth shut
Potential words barely ever make the cut, oh
Am I just a portrait without shading
All my chances seem to my fading
I would like to feel like an entire human
And all these thoughts are always invading
So unoriginal and so degrading
I would like to feel like an entire human
I wanna love and I wanna feel
I wanna stumble, and I want something real
But if I can’t recover from simple mistakes,
How could I ever heal after heartbreak?
I wanna try, and I wanna speak
I want some chaos, because I need a place to shriek
But I stare and I keep my mouth shut
Potential words barely ever make the cut
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6. |
Quiet Chaos
05:24
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Oh, I think that I’ve found shelter
Hiding in my room again
Hoping to get through again
Oh, to think that I picked safety
And it hurt to make the choice
And I miss the sound of my own voice
Chaos, can you feel it in the eye of the storm?
It’s warm, but it shouldn’t be warm
And I can’t see past the darkness, I am scared
And I wish it wasn’t so quiet
Chaos, can you feel it in the eye of the storm?
It’s warm, but it shouldn’t be warm
And I can’t see past the darkness, I am scared
And I wish it wasn’t so quiet
Oh, I think that I’ve found shelter
Hiding in my room again
Hoping to get through again
Oh, to think that I’m a melter
In the heat I turn to wax
In the cold my mold is back
Chaos, can you feel it in the eye of the storm?
It’s warm, but it shouldn’t be warm
And I can’t see past the darkness, I am scared
And I wish it wasn’t so quiet
Chaos, can you feel it in the eye of the storm?
It’s warm, but it shouldn’t be warm
And I can’t see past the darkness, I am scared
And I wish it wasn’t so quiet
After everything we’ve been through, after everything that we’ve become
After all I’ve done, and all the back and forth and to and from
Let myself be pissed and sad and all the things I gotta feel
Was anything post-January ever even real?
(After everything we’ve been through, after everything that we’ve become
After all I’ve done, and all the back and forth and to and from
Let myself be pissed and sad and all the things I gotta feel
Was anything post-January ever even real?)
(Oh, I think that I’ve found shelter, hiding in my room again, hoping to get through again)
(Chaos, can you feel it in the eye of the storm? It’s warm, but it shouldn’t be warm
And I can’t see past the darkness, I am scared, And I wish it wasn’t so quiet
Chaos, can you feel it in the eye of the storm? It’s warm, but it shouldn’t be warm
And I can’t see past the darkness, I am scared, And I wish it wasn’t so quiet)
(After everything we’ve been through, after everything that we’ve become
After all I’ve done, and all the back and forth and to and from
Let myself be pissed and sad and all the things I gotta feel
Was anything post-January ever even real?)
(Oh, I think that I picked safety, and it hurts to make the choice, and I miss the sound of my own voice)
(Chaos, can you feel it in the eye of the storm? It’s warm, but it shouldn’t be warm
And I can’t see past the darkness, I am scared, And I wish it wasn’t so quiet
Chaos, can you feel it in the eye of the storm? It’s warm, but it shouldn’t be warm
And I can’t see past the darkness, I am scared, And I wish it wasn’t so quiet)
(After everything we’ve been through, after everything that we’ve become
After all I’ve done, and the back and forth and the to and from)
(Oh, I think that I’ve found shelter, hiding in my room again, hoping to get through again)
(Chaos, can you feel it in the eye of the storm? It’s warm, but it shouldn’t be warm
And I can’t see past the darkness, I am scared, And I wish it wasn’t so quiet
Chaos, can you feel it in the eye of the storm? It’s warm, but it shouldn’t be warm
And I can’t see past the darkness, I am scared, And I wish it wasn’t so quiet)
(Let myself be pissed and sad and all the things I gotta feel
Was anything post-January ever even real?)
(Oh, I think that I’m a melter, in the heat I turn to wax, in the cold my mold is back)
Chaos, can you feel it in the eye of the storm?
It’s warm, but it shouldn’t be warm
And I can’t see past the darkness, I am scared
And I wish it wasn’t so quiet
Chaos, can you feel it in the eye of the storm?
It’s warm, but it shouldn’t be warm
And I can’t see past the darkness, I am scared
And I wish it wasn’t so quiet
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7. |
Lucidity
02:39
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She looks in the mirror, tries to read her own damn mind
Never sure what she might find
Despite the closeness of the space, that lies behind her face,
The clarity is blocked by blinds
Though the wheels turn around,
The effort only ever results in a frown
She can’t seem to focus, long enough to pin anything down
While waiting for lucidity, she’s failing to take breaks
Going over past mistakes
Doesn’t know what she desires, but she longs to follow fires,
And she doesn’t know what path will be the brightest one to take
Though the wheels turn around,
The effort only ever results in a frown
She can’t seem to focus, long enough to pin anything down
When nothing feels quite right, freedom’s got you feeling fright
Well then maybe you can give up all your power to the sky
Gave your heart a chance to speak, but her voice is pretty weak
Well then maybe it’s okay to let some time pass you by, but
Following the wind doesn’t work if you don’t choose
Not to keep your wings tight against your body
Going with the flow doesn’t work if you refuse
To trust the water, if your trust, is even just a little spotty
Wheels turn around,
The effort only ever results in a frown
Can’t seem to focus, long enough to pin anything down
Can’t seem to focus long enough
Can’t seem to focus long enough to pin anything
Can’t seem to focus, long enough to pin anything down
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8. |
Defenses
04:07
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Why wasn’t she barking? When she saw you parking?
In the driveway of the house where she and I
Spend most of our time alone
Why didn’t she growl? Why didn’t she cry foul?
When I opened the door and let you inside,
An action she usually doesn’t condone
I have spent too many years
Thinking that she’ll never warm up to anybody but me.
I have spent twenty too many years
Living alone, living a lie
I’ve tried to restrain her. And I’ve tried to train her
But no matter what I try, or how patient I am,
She’ll never sit and stay
She instills in me fear, with screams that my guests can’t hear
So I’ll be the one to roll over, I’ll keep the door locked,
And she tends to get her way
She doesn’t give chances. To anyone who advances
They can roam the neighborhood,
But if they dare to get too near
She’ll typically lose it. She’ll look at the lock, and she’ll force me to use it
So we’ll draw the shades, turn out the lights,
And wait to sleep til it’s clear
I have spent too many years
thinking that she’ll never warm up to anybody but me.
I have spent twenty too many years
Living alone, living a lie
I’ve learned there are exceptions to the rule, and for that, I am stronger
But still I wish the list of people she tolerates was longer
And even with her favorites, she’s tried a couple times to change her mind
But hers is no longer the only voice I listen to, because I’m inclined
To listen to you and listen to mine
She only bites and never plays,
I’ve trapped her here inside a maze
There’s nowhere else she can go
But maybe she’ll get tired,
One day no longer inspired
To stand guard at the window
I have spent too many years
Thinking that she’ll never warm up to anybody but me.
I have spent twenty too many years
Living alone, I think I know why
I have spent too many years
Letting the monster who lives with me make every choice
But even if I can’t change her mind,
Maybe I can still fill up my house and drown out her voice
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9. |
Tug
04:32
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Hangin on by a thread, will you tug at your end?
I wanna pull but I don’t wanna break it
Can’t tell how far away you are
Can’t tell how long my grip’s gonna make it
And that’s not a threat because I bet I’ll never let go
That’s not a threat because I bet you know I think I know I’ll never let go
When should you let go, how do you let grow?
When do you pull on who, how do you know?
If you’re holding too tight with all your might
Why are you so afraid all your strings will slip out of sight?
Hangin on by a thread, will you tug at your end?
I wanna pull but I don’t wanna break it
Can’t tell how far away you are
Can’t tell how long my grip’s gonna make it
And that’s not a threat because I bet I’ll never let go
That’s not a threat because I bet you know I think I know I’ll never let go
I’ll loosen my grip if I need to to let the flowers and weeds through
To study the view, to check for slack, to check what grew
I’ll loosen my grip if I need to, if I lose strength when time turns blue
Thank God it doesn’t take much effort to hold on to you, but when it feels like I’m
Hangin on by a thread, will you tug at your end?
I wanna pull but I don’t wanna break it
Can’t tell how far away you are
Can’t tell how long my grip’s gonna make it
And that’s not a threat because I bet I’ll never let go
That’s not a threat because I bet you know I think I know I’ll never let go
Unless you ask me to, or something changes
And my collection of facts and feelings rearranges
Unless you ask me to, or I was wrong
And you were an entirely different person all along
Only think these things at my most insecure, you’ve seen a glimpse
Of that, I feel alone, I feel chromatic
And I would rather never let these thoughts occur
At all, maybe my problem is I’m making everything far too dramatic
In my mind I’m afraid, of so many things (so many things)
Hangin on by a thread, will you tug at your end?
I wanna pull but I don’t wanna break it
Can’t tell how far away you are
Can’t tell how long my grip’s gonna make it
Please don’t let go if I am ever hard to hold onto
Please don’t let go, and I promise that I will hold on too
Please don’t let go if I am ever hard to hold onto
Please don’t let go, and I promise that I will hold on too
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10. |
Do You
03:43
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I wish I was covered in red and yellow and blue,
So why do I scratch the paint from my skin?
I wish I was covered in orange and purple and green,
So why do I scratch the paint from my skin?
And if I believe that you’re someone who wants to see my colors on me
Maybe I should leave them there, cuz that is where they want to be
What if we could forgive worry, love our flaws, and feel no hurry
What if we could let time do its thing
Might make things easier
We deserve easier
Might make things easier
Do you agree?
Might make things easier
We deserve easier
Might make things easier
Do you agree?
Do you? Do you? Do you?
I wish I was covered in ink from head to toe,
So why do I pick inconspicuous spots?
I wish I was covered in ink, at least from shoulders down,
So why do I pick inconspicuous spots?
And if I believe that you’re someone who wants to see my ink on me
Maybe I should put the next one anywhere I want it to be
What if we could forgive worry, love our flaws, and feel no hurry
What if we could let time do its thing
Might make things easier
We deserve easier
Might make things easier
Do you agree?
Might make things easier
We deserve easier
Might make things easier
Do you agree?
Do you? Do you? Do you?
I wish I was covered in clothes a bit strange and fit for a queen,
So why do I wear plain tops and jeans?
I wish I was covered in clothes straight out of art magazines,
So why do I wear plain tops and jeans?
And if I believe that I’m someone who wants a different wardrobe for me
Maybe I should try to make it match with who I want to be
What if we could forgive worry, love our flaws, and feel no hurry
What if we could let time do its thing
Might make things easier
We deserve easier
Might make things easier
Do you agree?
Might make things easier
We deserve easier
Might make things easier
Do you agree?
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11. |
Drifting
04:11
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To think that at falling I used to excel
Now there’s demons to quell and sentiments to sell
To my brain to convince her it’s safe to let go
On nights when she seems to believe that she clings to a cliff that would drop her
To some sort of hell
But it’s just a pillow — not a cliff just a pillow
I would like to fall asleep
But I refuse to count the sheep
My brain is telling me I’d rather stare into a screen than dream
And though I know it isn’t true,
I feel I need a clue or two
Have I lost the skill of drifting to my other world in a lovely way?
It used to be so easy (easy, easy)
I used to be awake for the moment that I fell
It used to be so easy (easy, easy)
I used to be awake for that moment, alive for the moment
That I fall asleep, now I refuse to count the goddamn sheep
To know that at times I will spend the day waiting for night
To return to the warmth and the stillness, the quiet
The dark should be simple so why is it not?
I’ll cry that at times I’m not wise I romanticize lies as I’m lying there too cold, too hot
But it’s just a place to close my eyes — it’s just a place to close my eyes
Lately I don’t give myself to sleep, it takes me
It’s a waiting game that I don’t play very well, will it break me?
And while I’d love to love dark skies, I despise the rise of how I
(I despise the rise)
Analyze, antagonize, and agonize and alphabetize
(before the fall)
Visualize, familiarize, fantasize and fictionalize
(before the fall)
Teach me how to tranquilize, teach me how to catch my thoughts and revise
(before the fall)
I would like to fall asleep
But I refuse to count the sheep
My brain is telling me I’d rather stare into a screen than dream
And though I know it isn’t true,
I feel I need a clue or two
Have I lost the skill of drifting to my other world in a lovely way?
It used to be so easy (easy, easy)
I used to be awake for the moment that I fell
It used to be so easy (easy, easy)
I used to be awake for that moment, alive for the moment
That I fall asleep, now I refuse to count the goddamn sheep
Why do I refuse?
Why do I refuse?
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12. |
Into Music
03:40
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Internalize it, log it in my brain
Brings me joy, brings me calm, brings me pain
I am here, I am here, doesn’t matter if I’m near
Through any sunlight, and all the rain
No matter the proximity, I’ll persist
If only metaphysically, I exist
And when my presence isn’t pleasant
I’ll be sorry for the inconvenience
And if what she says bent
Up my mind and heart and skin
Then I’d better listen to something else
And I’d better learn to breathe
I’d better listen to someone else
And trust the right voices not to leave
Nothing’s calling, thoughts are sprawling
Please get out of my head
Failed to convince me that I don’t have the time
To make you music instead
Cruel quick cool trick, time will tock tick
Talk to me and see, we will see
Someday, I’ll run faster, all your lies
Will not catch up to me
I’ll make you music, I’ll make you into music
But it doesn’t feel simple to turn on the keyboard
On nights when it isn’t so easy to make any sound
To reach the guitar stand, I’d have to stand, takes too much effort
Nothing feels quite right, and everything’s upside down
And even if no one appears in my dreams
I bet I don’t have quite as much to fear, as it seems
And when their presence isn’t pleasant
They’ll be sorry for the inconvenience
And if what she says bent
Up my mind and heart and skin
Then I’d better listen to something else
And I’d better learn to breathe
I’d better listen to someone else
And trust the right voices not to leave
Nothing’s calling, thoughts are sprawling
Please get out of my head
Failed to convince me that I don’t have the time
To make you music instead
Cruel quick cool trick, time will tock tick
Talk to me and see, we will see
Someday, I’ll run faster, all your lies
Will not catch up to me
I’ll make you music, I’ll make you into music
I’ll make you music, I’ll make you into music
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Mia Stegner Colorado
Thank you for being here. :)
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